Any day now. That’s what I tell myself. At any moment this could happen and I’ll go from an expectant mom to a full-blown mother of one. We’d go from a couple to a family of three. Any anxiety I feel about this simple fact is only out-weighed by my sheer exhaustion and need for you to come out. But it’s scary and exciting all at once. It’s the top of a rollercoaster just before the big dip. We are suspended in this middle place of gravity and solid earth.
We are standing on the precipice of change and all we can do is wait. I’m going to tell you right now, my little one, that waiting is not my strongest virtue. But when you have an 8+ pound baby dancing on your pelvis, I think you get a pass.
Your dad and I are ready for you in both practical and emotional ways. The bags are packed, the car seat is sitting snug in the car, your diapers are in a basket under the changing table, and this apartment cannot get any cleaner. All we need is you to turn it all upside down. Your kicks are getting stronger so that my belly looks more like a sci-fi movie than anything human. I dreamt of your face for the first time the other day. We’ve talked about a phone tree to let our families know when things are happening. My feet at perpetually elevated thanks to the swelling. We are ready.
In anticipation for you, and in a last ditch effort to distract me from asking you to come on home, I bought one of those baby milestone books that will document all your little feats throughout your early childhood. I excitedly filled out the family tree, added pictures from your baby shower and funny pictures of us as we went through this pregnancy. I was happily filling out as much as I could until I stopped on the “What’s Happening in the World” section. I stared at the blank spaces under World News, National News and Local News. My brain searched through all the facts that flit in and out of my brain—from celebrity gossip to headline news to things I google on the internet. The odd thing was that I couldn’t think of anything positive. So I asked your dad.
“What can I write for World and National news for Logan’s book?”
He thought for a second then listed a number of things, “The crisis in Egypt, war in Syria, the Trayvon Martin case, the NSA scandal, Republicans vs. Democrats…” He just spouted all these events that are indeed going on in the world but are inherently negative and sad.
“We can’t just write negative things,” I insisted. And so I wracked my brain for some good news…DOMA getting overturned, Prince George’s birth, the 50-year anniversary of the March on Washington, NSYNC reuniting for 110 seconds at the VMAs.
It seems naive to want to spare your future self from the negativity of the world. It’s not that I’m ignoring what’s going on, it’s just that in the middle of all this sadness and chaos and threats of war, I’d like to focus on hope and the goodness that is out there. You’ll find out soon enough, my little love, that the world is a scary place. There is discord and unhappiness. People go hungry and live angry lives. There are those who want to do harm. I know it’s futile to try and shield you from all of that, even within the happy confines of your baby book. I think that if I really thought about it, I’d dread parenthood and all the perils that are out of my control. But I choose not to live in fear.
In Harry Potter, a series of books you will get to know very well (trust me), Dumbledore tells Harry, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.” As your parents, we promise to help you find the light even when things seem impossibly dark. It’s a choice we make, to live happy, and it’s one we plan on teaching you every single day.
All we can do is live in the light and hope that it shines on you.
Now, join us already!
P.S. Be prepared to laugh. A Lot. It’s our favorite thing.
Pictures from our maternity shoot taken by the wonderful Shipra Panosian.
Currently Listening to: The Past and Pending by The Shins